Let’s keep “loss” generic. Personally I think dealing with a death is the hardest loss, but divorce, job loss, victims of a crime, the death of a pet animal ...anything detrimental can be very difficult for people. So keep that in mind.
In November of 2018, two of my girls, Mary Cate and Eleanor, volunteered with me and a few others to sit on a grief panel hosted by Hospice Austin. There is a KXAN News video story about it on the “press” tab on my website. It was held on a Thursday night in a big conference room with about ninety or so attendees, including a few kids. There were several licensed counselors on the panel and in the room as well. It was being held for people who had recently lost a loved one and the holiday season was just right around the corner. For many people suffering from a recent loss, the holidays can be a brutal and scary season, jarring memories and ripping open emotional wounds.
People were asking all kinds of questions, and others were too timid to raise their hands but were listening closely. Those of us sitting on the panel answered their questions on how we were able to get through the holiday seasons. I rhetorically asked for a show of hands how many people remember taking a class in high school on how to cope with loss. Of course no one raised their hand because there is no class (there should be). I was being a bit of a smart-ass but my point was that the attendees had good reason to be at the seminar; they simply didn’t know how to cope! I then commended all of them for making the effort to attend and get some help.
At the time of this event, my kids and I had been through 3 holiday seasons and were pretty comfortable dealing with them, and were actually at the point of enjoying them again. That’s the part recently grieving people think will never happen...that they will ever enjoy the holidays again. What they don’t know is that yes, the first time around will be hard. The second or third time around, things will get easier, and at some point, the “new normal” will settle in and they will once again enjoy the holidays.
Life is changed, but it’s not over.
While everyone else is having a great time thinking, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year”, someone grieving a recent loss will be thinking, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year, my ass, this sucks and I don’t think I can do it.” I felt that way my first holiday season after losing my wife, and the fact that ninety people came to the event for help, I guarantee they thought the same thing.
Here are some things to keep in mind if you are around someone dealing with loss. Most of this isn’t holiday specific, but just bear in mind that the holiday season can be the worst time of year for someone.
Listen, listen, listen! This is the most important thing you can do. Most people have two ears and one mouth, for good reason (listen more than you talk!). One of the best remedies for grief is talk therapy. Ask open ended questions (but not too personal) to get them to open up and talk. Don’t try to solve all their concerns. Often times they will solve them on their own as they talk and hear themselves.
Check in on them (text, phone calls, in person visits). The holidays can be very lonely for people dealing with loss. When they are alone and idle with their mind’s racing from grief, that is a surefire recipe for sadness and suffering. I found physical activity to be enormously beneficial. If you can get them out on a walk or car ride, anything to get out for a bit and get a little distraction from grief, it is quite therapeutic.
There are all kinds of holidays going on during the season; Christmas, New Years, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, etc. If you are around someone that is suffering and typically celebrates an event that you are not familiar with, Google it ahead of time and at least be aware of it and what it means. This will show them you care and will also be something to talk about.
Encourage them to have things to look forward to. Maybe it is going on a trip, or having friends and relatives coming to visit. And suggest they put it on a calendar so that it is visible as a nice reminder. Suggest also that they have things to look forward to after the holidays are over! That one bit me hard. When our first holiday season was over, I found myself staring in the mirror thinking to myself, “holy crap, now what? There’s nothing to look forward to.”
People have all kinds of holiday traditions; putting up decorations, sending out cards, hosting parties, etc. Often these sort of things are painful reminders of the previous “good times” that may be seemingly gone forever. However, it can also be a nice time to start some new traditions. But tread lightly, and let the person suffering decide on what they want to do. Don’t pester them to do something they are not up to. If the person who is suffering doesn't feel up to sending out holiday cards or whatever, so be it. It’s perfectly fine for them to do what they feel like, and they may even think they are being selfish. Let them know that it is ok to feel that way.
If you have dealt with a major loss, you will probably be a very good resource since you will be empathetic. However, don’t make comparisons. Right now it’s about the person suffering. If you have dealt with a loss previously yourself, they are not going to want to hear about that right now. It’s not a contest to see who has suffered the most.
Keep an eye out for negative behaviors such as heavy drinking, drug use, excessive spending, etc. One of the best suggestions I was given by a counselor is to stay the course and don’t make a bunch of drastic changes. This includes negative lifestyle changes. Positive, healthy changes I would suggest to encourage someone who is suffering. Just don’t be bossy about it!
Treat the person(s) normally and don’t act standoffish like you will inherit their misfortune. And don’t hang all over them blubbering and sobbing yourself. If the bereaved wants to hug and cry, be there for them. Also, don’t act or talk negatively. The suffering person might want to have a royal bitch session and vent to you, so let them do it and listen.
And for the love of all mankind, don’t say those stupid phrases we have all heard because people don’t know what else to say. “She’s in a better place” or “it’s all part of God’s plan.” “What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.” I hated hearing all that nonsense, and even if it might be true, it is not comforting at all. I have asked a lot of people who have dealt with a death about hearing that stuff and they all said it was B.S. and didn’t want to hear it. Remember what I said about listening? That’s what the bereaved will want to hear from you, a good ear. If you have never dealt with a big loss, you probably have no idea how to react to someone who has. So don’t try to. Just be a good, empathetic listener.
Keep it all in perspective! Although the holiday season can be difficult for someone dealing with a loss; their loved ones, jobs, poor health, not enough money to buy the kids gifts, etc. it is also a time to reflect on the blessings in our lives. The best gift any of has is the ability to share ourselves through love, friendships, and giving/helping others. If someone wants to help you out with anything, let them. It feels really good to help someone ...don't deny anyone that pleasure!
Happy Holidays!
The Browns
